Yes, yes, dear, but--

[flemmings]

https://www.theguardian.com/wellness/2024/feb/02/prioritize-friend-relationships-loneliness-health

'...digital relations are not a substitute for “face-to-face, hip-to-hip get-togethers when two friends can leisurely connect and share – even spending time together saying nothing. Online friends can’t provide the type of caring and support from friends who live close by"'

Well, there's the little problem of 'living close by'. What if they don't? Then there's the bit about caring and support. In my less guarded youth I had those face-to-face, hip-to-hip friendships, which inevitably turned into 'you're so weird' or 'you're so insecure' or 'you're so depressed', after which I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and to get my support from therapists (who also took care of the depression.)

Things got better once I was in fandom where, like Hamlet's England, the (wo)men were as mad as me. Or as weird, rather. And an awful lot nicer than the mundanes I knew before. But fandom friends are scattered to the wind's twelve quarters and I doubt I'll find them among the oldsters of Seaton Village. Oh well. I'm sure Buddhism has some solution to this. All those monks in caves in Nepal seem not to suffer from their solitude.

Comments

[house_wren]

Ooh - I really identify with what you have written. I do miss the closeness of the friendships I had when young but I have never been able to replicate the experience. I moved a lot, I took care of elderly relatives, I got sick, the world changed, etc etc etc. A few years ago I made it priority to meet people, to get involved in things, with the hope I would find a friend group. Ha. I found acquaintances but not friends.

So many articles leave out that we need to find a way to be okay whether we have friends or not.

Honestly, do I want to live longer? Is that why I should have friends? I don't think so. I have chronic pain and incurable illnesses so living longer is not the reward that the writers think it is.

Thanks for your post.

[flemmings]

You're welcome.

Friendships are easier when you're young and unformed, of course, but then life intervenes. I've always assumed that it's also easier for extreme extroverts who have an actual need to interact with other people and will chat away about anything.

And yes, an extended existence is only valuable if you're not debilitated and in pain.

[heleninwales]

I count my husband as my best friend, but he has no interest in many of the things which interest me. I do have local friends, but in order to avoid appearing too weird, I limit my discussion of many things to my online friends.

I used to attend conventions so would see some or all of these distant friends once or twice a year, and yes, being able to chat face-to-face is better than online. But what with covid, problems with trains and the expense of attending a convention, from now on I'll be pretty much limited to online interactions with those friends.

[flemmings]

Yes, when I was mobile a dozen years ago, I could travel to see my fannish friends. But now it has to be online. And my ff are all twenty or more years younger than I, so have career and family concerns taking up their time.

Even online has become dissipated. No more mailing lists with long dusquisitions and everyone chiming in as in the millennial days. FB, twitter and its avatars, tumblr-- not at all the same.

[kathleen_dailey]

Then there's the bit about caring and support.

I feel you. The many friendships that I had with mundanes when I was younger were close, almost effortless, and surprisingly enduring. But now the very few who remain are the same age that I am, which means that they're less mobile, more compromised in health, and more likely (especially in view of Covid) to fold into themselves than to look outward. And for those of us with chronic pain and health problems, offering meaningful care and support to friends grows distressingly more difficult as we age.

fandom friends are scattered to the wind's twelve quarters and I doubt I'll find them among the oldsters of Seaton Village.

Don't give up all hope on that score. I accidentally found out that two (separate) neighbours were long-term fans in my principal fandom when I made a passing reference in conversation. I would never, ever, EVER have imagined that! Of course, they're not hyperfixated like me, and our conversations aren't intense and deeply wide-ranging, as they would be with trufans, but still--even the occasional brief discussion beats elevator chats about the weather and the shortcomings of the condo board. ;-)

[flemmings]

True, when you're just discovering the world, there's a lot more connecting you to people who are doing the same. But even twenty years ago I had nothing in common with married career women unless they were readers.

Even my fandoms have lapsed so I'm not au courant of the current anine and manga. I guess there's always Pratchett.

[smokingboot]

We can't go back to the village. Face to face isn't possible for many people, and even when it's an option, it doesn't always work, as you say. I've known plenty of people be hugely lonely in a world of face-to-face relationships.
I wonder what the Guardian would fill its pages with if it couldn't peddle the idea that we're doing everything wrong over and over again.